Remember that time when King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard played a show in the capital city of Mexican controlled Southeast Asia?

I was on a road trip between Australia and Europe. I was incredibly nervous; I had no idea how to navigate in Asia and knew nothing about local customs. It was going to be difficult to navigate the web of bridges and ferries that would take me north though New Guinea and Malaysia.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I made it to the Mexican owned region between China and the Indian Ocean. Finally, a language and custom I was used to! I drove north to the capital city to catch King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard live in concert.

The show was rocking. It was a small town, so nobody expected a big name band to show up. The venue was overrun with fans. People were climbing up on the rafters, even the band was playing up there at one point. But something was off... The band members were all dwarfs!

It was soon realized that this was not the actual King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard. Despite how great they sounded, there was an outrage. What a scam! The band was ousted. 

I later heard that the real King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard played a show after being petitioned by the city. Unfortunately, I was already on my way.

My trip to Italy

It's been a long time since I've been able to trip abroad. But alas, I finally found myself in Italy.

I arrived with Tay. We rented a car and were staying in a nice hotel, and we had plans to visit Florence the next day. She wanted to make an authentic Italian meal for dinner, so I set off to the grocery store. I was sent to pick up three things; prosciutto, pancetta, and this pre-packaged pasta dish that I have since forgotten the name of.

The store was a fairly small marketplace that primarily sold beer and wine - very clean and modern. It was a simple setup as a square around a central aisle. Impossible to get lost. However, everything was in Italian.

I could not find anything! I couldn't even ask for help! I did find some pancetta and ended up searing it off right in the store. I was frantically looking for the other two ingredients while trying to keep the pancetta from burning. I found the pasta and then left to find the prosciutto, and when I came back I couldn't find the pasta again! I checked every shelf, every aisle, but it was just gone! I snacked on my crispy pancetta. 

Tay wasn't very enthused with the whole situation, so we broke up and she left. 

I woke up the next morning in the hotel and saw the rest of my family. I caught my grandfather as he was heading out to Yosemite for the day. I ended up walking around town with my parents, aunt, and uncle. Uncle Brian was not wearing a mask despite previously saying how much he believed in them. (Note: he called himself a birther, but I think he meant it in the context of saying he was born knowing masks are necessary. I think.)

I hated driving in Italy. Everything was confusing to me even though I had rented a big American pickup truck. I was exhausted and looking for a parking lot to sleep in, and in doing so ran through a red light and almost plowed into oncoming traffic. After having some issues with my brakes, I was finally able to pull into a parking spot for some much needed rest. 

I had intentionally parked next to another large American pickup truck. I guess I thought I'd feel safer being in similar company. The area around my neighbor's truck was absolutely trashed; there were panties everywhere! I met the owner, who was very proud of his Italian "conquests".

The man was a surfer looking guy from Minnesota. I never caught his name, but he looked like a cross between me and Dave Grohl. Nice guy.

Liam & Tyler: Mixmasters Forever - Baby Bundts [OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO]

Remember that time I was kidnapped with the Beatles?

Remember that time I was kidnapped with the Beatles
and placed on an island
with trees and a dock
by a green wizard?

He wanted me to throw a rare tree off the dock
to attract the fish
so he could catch them
but I defied the wizard.

Instead I cut down the tree with tentacles for branches
and wiggled it in the shallows
to scare off the fish
from the wizard.

When Ringo was taken I got really angry
so I untied the bird
with the nail in it's head
to piss off the wizard.

Ringo came back wearing a green blindfold
he couldn't feel his eyes
but he felt fine.

We beat the wizard.

My trip to Japan, AKA The night I met Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton

So last night I was driving through Japan in my Suzuki, I was on this bridge following a white pickup truck when I accidentally bumped into him. He went spinning off the road, but I couldn't stop, my insurance would go way up! Luckily there was an ambulance behind me and he probably helped the guy.

Anyway I was almost out off gas, so I found a parking garage that probably had a gas station at the top. Little known fact, Japan has really confusing parking garages! I was going every which way in the building following the neon arrows that would surely lead me to petrol salvation. I finally made it to the top of the parking garage. It was dark at this point, and let me tell you, roof life is what it's all about in Japan. Everybody was hanging out on their roofs (rooves?) having a good time! Hundreds of people were on the top of this parking garage, and that's when I saw him on the edge.

Definitely an American. Kind of looked like a less ridiculous Kieth Richards. He was a cool guy, as if he was a rock star, but I didn't recognize him. He was sitting in an armchair, a lady next to him on a sofa by the edge of the balcony. I passed him in my search for gas, and he caught my eye.
     "Hey" he said
     "Hey" I said
     "Somebody get this man a ginger ale!" he demanded.

He didn't offer me a seat, but who in their right mind would stand up and drink ginger ale? I took the liberty of popping a squat next to his lady friend- who was quite appalled by my action. She squirmed to the corner of the couch, as far away from me as she could get.
     "Do you know who I am?" the man asked
     "No"
     "Look closer"

It was at this time I noticed how old the man was, and how Jewish!
     "Bernie Sanders!" I exclaimed "which means the woman must be..."

And then everything went black.

Have you seen this man?

My trip to Switzerland

Last night I found myself staying in the nicest house I'd ever been in. A lakeside manor in full view of the Matterhorn in the Swiss alps. There was a huge party going on, inside and out was a crowd of my closest friends, Swiss allies, and government personnel. Then I got a call. The US needed me to fly a reconnaissance mission on the Swiss town across the lake. The only problem was, my SR-71 Blackbird I would be flying was also across the lake.

Being the heroic man I am, I jumped into action. Wasting no time at all I bared down to my skivvies and went to swim to my aircraft. Of course, even heroes have moments of weakness, and I was hesitant about swimming across an entire lake alone in the middle of the night. Thankfully, my buddy Doug who was doggy-paddling in the shallows agreed to swim to the opposite shore with me.

Moments later we reached the other side. Imagine my surprise when I found an exact copy of the house I was renting on this side of the lake! I knew my plane would be in the parking lot. But alas, I was still almost naked from my swim. I couldn't fly a plane in my underwear! Thankfully, the housekeeper here was the same as the one who was taking care of the house I was renting, and she let us in. I ran to the washing machine and pulled out a few articles of ruined clothing, socks with holes in them and an unraveled shirt; it wasn't much but it was all I needed. I was ready to fly.

We got to the plane, and although he had no flight experience, we elected Gian to be the pilot. We climbed aboard and started to taxi to the runway- a series of floating docks on the lake. Gian put the craft in motion down the driveway, scraping the wings on surrounding trees.

"Stop scraping it!" we yelled as he straightened out, going down the sloped road.

Then we heard honking. The housekeeper was following us in her SUV, and we were thrown into a panic. Did she want us to stop? To speed up? Was she going to kill us? Gian decided to skip the runway and instead gunned it down the hill, hoping to use the road as a ramp. I knew we didn't have enough speed, hell our main engines weren't even on! We made the jump, and I was sure we were going to fall into the water. We started to drop, descending quickly. Suddenly, not two feet from the water, our engines roared to life. The sound rippled around the canyon.

This startled Gian, and his lack of experience showed. The force slammed us down in our seats, and our helpless plane tumbled in the air like a broken firework. Flips and somersaults brought us back closer to Earth, and we dove nose first into the lake.

Shit.

Gian pressed a button and water spewed out of the cargo bay. We slowly lifted from the depths, hovered in the air and settled down, floating like a graceful swan.

I got another call from the government.

"Haha, maybe we'll start him with something smaller next time."

And everybody laughed.